“Darius” Chapter 73

“Please cover my arms I am cold,” Darius said in his digital voice coming out of the Tobi Dynavox.

Darius is the voice I chose to use out of 10 or so options available when using the Tobi, my eye gaze system. Since losing my own voice, my BFF Darius has been helping me out.

If I were to imagine what he looks like, I would say he’s a 6 foot, well built, black man from NY. He hardly ever shows any personality, and is very monotone when he speaks. You know the type, the teacher who puts you to sleep within 5 minutes. I have been working on his dad jokes, but his timing sucks. Nevertheless, I never had my voice recorded to use and unless I want to sound like I am from the country, use a woman's voice or a child's, Darius it is.

I have to say, Darius also gets me in trouble, too. He has been known to be gruff and sound mad when saying NO. He is slow to respond and is very burdensome. “Raises David’s legs," “move David’s arms," “time to feed David,“ and more all day. Darius is like the old 80’s Faberge’ commercial “and so on, and so on." It always seems right when someone sits down to get comfortable, and Darius speaks up with something “David needs." I tried talking with him about this, but he doesn’t seem to understand.

It is difficult asking for help for everything. Not needing the help itself, but always having to ask for it. I never realized how much I moved around until I couldn’t. Try this exercise: focus on every time you move for 10 minutes and add them up. When you are doing this you have to count every moment. Lift your hand 1, scratch 2, shift in your seat 3, you get the picture. What’s your number? Were you surprised? Now imagine how much help you would need if you couldn’t do it yourself. We don’t realize how many times we move around because it’s subconscious.

To reduce the up and downs from my caregivers, Darius has been getting tips from the GEICO commercials and started bundling. Instead of asking for one thing like “move David’s arm," he throws two or three things together which makes him sound even needier. What’s even crazier, is that I am starting to get jealous every time he tells Laura “I love you" or calls my girls beautiful and they say, “thank you Darius, I love you too." What the hell! I’m sitting right here. At least wait until Darius has to get plugged in and you are both away from me before you tell him how you feel. I feel bad enough Darius bothers people all day for my needs. Before you know it, Darius is going to ask to be in the will.

Regardless of what voice is used, not hearing my own after consistent use for 54 years is kind of sad. Laura gives me strange looks when Darius whispers sweet nothings in her ear. Nothing like warming up your wife in another man’s voice coming out of a bulky iPad sitting between you. It’s almost like the kids being back in bed with us all over again. What’s worse, the kids even yelled back at Darius one time saying, “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my dad."

In the end, there are two things I have learned: I am loved and my family wants to help and understand. Secondly, they would rather hear Darius speak and know that I am still alive, than the silence once I am gone.

Love and Blessings.