“What A Shit Show” Chapter 138

RE-RE-RE REMIX

Let’s talk about poop baby. 

Let’s talk about you and me. 

Let’s talk about all the good things, 

and the bad things That maybe.

Let’s talk about poop.

Let’s talk about poop.

When I was in the Army, I had a friend Tom R. who refused to use any toilet other than his own... at his house. Even when we were training in the field (the woods) he would hold on until he found a way to go home. I asked him what was the longest he had to hold on and he told me 10 days. He ended up in the hospital because he was impacted. I, of course, responded with “That was a real shitty shit-uation you put yourself in.” 

In “Rock, Paper, Scissors" (Chapter 70) I broke down three stages of 💩 I was going through. Well, at the time, I had not entered my newest stage, LAVA. You see, I entered the “Tom R” zone, but I was determined to beat his record. Or maybe I was just stubborn. I had not 💩 in 12 days and we decided to go to the ER, but first, let’s back the 🚂up.

Very early on in my ALS journey I had a choking situation and it took me way too long to tell Laura I couldn't breathe. We decided maybe I should use an app with different sounds to alarm her, and "Buzzer” has worked great. It was faster, has a good variety of sounds and it’s FREE. Thankfully we have not had to use the choking sound for a long time. However, me being me, I decided to use a train sound for when I poop. We call it the poo-poo train.🚂 

So the train conductors were on strike and we were up to day three. Laura started with using some bargaining chips and threw in some senna. Day five she upped the dose of Senna and added Miralax. Day six was time for the enema. Day seven she hit the picketers with a suppository, by they didn’t budge. Laura kept sweetening the pot every day, but on day 10 brought out the big guns, LACTULOSE. “If this doesn’t work David we will have to call in the reinforcements (the ER)." Now by this point I didn’t feel to bad, but I bloated like a Blowfish, had heartburn reflex and threw-up a little, like a bad burp. Day 12 (when I broke Tom’s record), Laura hit-em with the one-two, and like the steelworkers they didn’t move.

I thought for sure the ER had some secret sauce and fix me right up and I would be rolling out of there, “pero nooo!” First we sit for two hours for a CT scan, and then two more for the scan to be read. Then we were told there’s nothing physically wrong, but I was just full of 💩and I was being admitted. Really? We got to the ER at 2pm and I finally made it to my room at 11pm. I thought for sure we were going to get the party going, but I got an IV and went to sleep around 2:30am. 

The next day (day 13) during rounds I asked if they could just suck it out and be done. Their answer was to fill me with Miralax every hour and stand back until they blew the picket line away. Then around 5pm, stage LAVA. Since Laura was in the room with me I hit the train 🚂 button. The nurse came in asking what the sound was so I gladly explained. I 💩 Five trains  times until 2am when I tapped out and asked the nurse to stop the Miralax. Day 14 , three days in the hospital I thought I was going home “pero nooo” let’s do it again. Miralax for the next five hours and I rang the train 🚂 12 more times. Can you imagine riding the train 17 times in one day?

Why did I just tell you this story? Because I want to be transparent. Because waiting 12 days is crazy and it’s a record I don’t want. Because I could only imagine what four days in a hospital would cost just to 💩. I am blessed to have 💩 and coverage. Stay tuned next week for my story all about my hospital stay.

Love and Blessings

 

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