“ALS Emotions ” Chapter 170

Have you found yourself overwhelmed by emotions and unable to control them? I am not taking about reading a book or watching a movie that makes you cry or laugh, or your reaction when you get bad news.

I'm talking about when uncontrollable emotions seem to come out of nowhere.

Crying or laughing without cause in ALS is known as Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA), a neurological condition affecting up to 38.5% of patients. It causes sudden, involuntary emotional outbursts that do not match the person's true feelings, often resulting from damage to brain circuits controlling emotional expression. 

Thankfully, this hasn't been my experience, but I can’t begin to imagine not being able to control my emotions.  Can you imagine being at a funeral and laughing while others stare at you? What about a situation where everyone around you is laughing and you can’t stop crying?

I guess this is why as soldiers, we were always told to "suck it up and deal with it."

Case in point, when I was a young Soldier stationed in Korea, I went to see a therapist. I'd recently separated from my wife and we'd lost our baby so I had plenty to work through, but this was not a popular thing to do in 1989. When I returned to my company, the commander informed me that I was being pulled from my duties as a Military Policeman. I immediately went back to the therapist and told him to call my commander and clear me for duty. I sucked it up and drove on. I’m not saying that was the best thing to do, but it was the choice that I made then. Now, after being trained to push on and then being diagnosed with ALS, I can’t imagine dealing with PBA either.

In my case, I basically have the opposite of PBA and the ultimate "suck it up, Soldier" face. You might have heard of the term “Resting bitch face” (RBF), but I have resting ALS Face. My jaw has dropped open and I have lost all ability to show expression. It doesn’t matter if I am mad, sad, happy, or laughing; it’s always the same face and it truly affects my emotions.

I don’t laugh anymore. The only way I “laugh” is by typing “haha-haha” on the keyboard, but emotionally I feel nothing. The only reason I even shed tears these days is from my dry eyes, not because I cry. Maybe it’s from the yarn of sucking it up or resisting ALS face, I have become emotionless. 🫥 

Love and Blessings

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